Say No to Ho... and Yes to What, Exactly?

I'd never heard of Simon Doonan before, since I am awkwardly unstylish, but he has written a book with such zealous rhetoric that I feel it is necessary to put it on my Summer 2008 reading list. "Banish the badonkadonkdonk. Say no to ho!" he pleads with plastic-surgery Stepfords everywhere in an excerpt of Eccentric Glamour: Creating an Insanely More Fabulous You which I read in Elle magazine (I love Elle for its intelligence, although it scares me at the same time by featuring certain ready-to-wear and haute couture items that throw me into a panic by their sheer surreality. I've had nightmares about the Marc Jacobs horizontal heels for, like, two weeks straight and woken up in a cold sweat with my hair standing on end. Ok, my hair stands on end whenever I wake up. But still. Magritte is for paintings, not for shoes. Christian Louboutin is for shoes.)

This message is easy for me to swallow. I have neither the budget nor the tiny dog necessary to be unoriginal. However, Doonan then asserts that there are only three alternatives to "badonkadonkdonk," only three facets of "eccentric glamour," although there are subsets to these general categories. These categories are the Gypsy, the Socialite, and the Existentialist.

I am well aware that I am not a Socialite. Socialites, according to Doonan, are the Jackie O, classic, old money, old school eccentrics. I am too short for that.

I'm hoping that actually reading the book will make everything clearer for me. While I don't own a peasant shirt or strappy sandals, I do like big, beachy totes, green living, and torn-up jeans, suggesting that I may be a brand of Gypsy after all. However, my style icons tend to all kind of look/dress like Marcel Marceau (Jean Seberg, Agyness Deyn, Liza Minelli in Cabaret), I own ten black eyeliners, and I write plays.

I'm still so confused.