So today I thought about church.

I haven't been to church for a couple of Sundays; the weather was bad or I was stuck without a ride. (I have, however, gone to the Vault; the college & career discussion group I've been part of since I was a freshman.)

But today was different, so I went.

My roommate has a small church family here and they've recently decided to dissolve the church, for reasons I haven't delved deeply into. I'm sure it has something to do with its small size and the financial obligations of maintaining a church community.

They meet at a gym. It's cute--you'll look up and there's a soccer ball and a couple of bouncy gym balls stuck in the rafters and think, "Dang--some talented kid kicked those up there." It reminds me of when my church at home met at the YMCA and it smelled like chlorine every week.

I told her I'd go church-shopping with her; for one thing, she's definitely more of a homebody who wants to find a church and stick with it, and I feel challenged to be more faithful to a church body myself. I've always had "that church that I go to," but this church is family to my roommate in a way that no church except KCC has been to me.

They served communion and I almost didn't take it. It was so personal--so somber and serious and intimate. I almost felt as if I was intruding on this tiny family of Christians and weighed my options. I could opt out of communion and just look like my holy roommate's heathen friend. I didn't feel particularly worthy to take it after having skipped two whole church services due to weather and my friend's inability to wake up, answer her phone, and drive me to church.

But then I thought--I consider myself a Christian, no matter how imperfect I am. My breath might stink; I might deny my faith and my friends before I deny myself; I try to be too cool for my britches. Regardless of all this, I do know the truth, and it shames my God when I choose not to humble myself and reflect on His sacrifice. I take communion in remembrance of Him, so I don't forget what's really important.

So there you have it. I decided this morning that I am a sucktacular Christian; I don't put others first. I laugh at dumb people. I don't let Jesus affect my life enough. But there's grace even for us hypocrites who get tired of being faker than they should be. It's called the deep, deep love of Jesus--vast, unmeasured, boundless, pure. And that's why I'm ok with Christianity.

That was, I thought, my church moment for the day. But then I got the chance to spend some time with a largely secular beloved friend of mine. I mean, she's great. She is the bomb dot com. And, over banana flavored hot chocolate, she told me she was going to start going to Mass again.
She's stopped believing sometimes. But we took the Da Vinci class together, it was thought-provoking for both of us, and now she's going back to her traditional roots to see what she can see. I hope she finds what she's looking for. I hope we all do.